Rants and raves with a healthy dose of sarcasm and satire. Should be taken with red wine.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Theater Of Pain

I like theater.  I don't get to go as often as I'd like, though.  My wife is an actress in local theater groups (she rocks the dogs bollocks by the way!) and a friend of hers was in a play last Saturday night so we went to see it.

Local theater is interesting.  Usually you have two or three strong actors and the rest of the roles are filled by those, well let's just say I'm sure someone at home loves them.  It can make for a long evening.

This performance however was very well acted by the entire cast and it was quite funny.  Unfortunately, that was not the memorable part of the evening.

I've discussed previously about obesity and how most of us make snap judgments about people who are very fat.  Well the fat bitch sitting behind me Saturday night did not do her fellow "Circumference-ly Challenged" brethren any fucking favors!  (This is the part of the lecture, children, where teacher throws decorum and sensitivity out the window so those with weak constitutions should proceed with caution...)

First, you could hear her breathing, sorry wheezing.  She was sitting down and sounded like she just ran a mile.  Understandably, it does take a lot for those lungs to expand with all that fat weighing them down.  Do have another candy bar, though!  And be sure to make the extra effort to amplify the sounds of the wrapper!  Why don't you crinkle it up and throw it on stage while you're at it??

Second, she snorted when she laughed.  And she laughed loudly.  And she laughed at everything.  Even the parts that were not intended for laughs.

Then (after her fourth or fifth soda) she got up in the middle of a scene to go to the bathroom.  This was a tiny theater space and she sure didn't move lightly!  She didn't even make an attempt to be subtle and quiet.  Though how can a bull in a china shop do so???

Then, as if to try and make us ignore her obnoxious behavior so far, she started to talk to the actors.  The actor, addressing her daughter on stage, asked, "Do mothers really deserve such treatment?"  And in the quiet of the audience this loudmouth behemoth yelled "Yes!".  She did this several times!  Who the fuck does that?  This wasn't fucking "Rocky Horror"!

The peak of the evening was when one of the actors was listing a few countries, "Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Uzbekistan..."  and this fucking stupid, ignorant, rat fuck douche canoe (sorry, douche cruise liner) yelled, "No, its pronounced 'Pakistan'!"  TOO STOOPID TO LIVE!

Now... I know what many of you are thinking:  I'm unfairly lumping her obnoxious behavior with her obesity when the two are mutually exclusive.  Right?  And I totally agree...in theory.  Would I be so harsh if a fit person was acting like this?  Fuckin' A right I would!  But I wouldn't have the additional ammunition of obesity to use to fire off my anger.  I'd be stuck with, "Well, the fit fucker behind me wasn't doing any of her abs-of-Adonis brethren any fucking favors!".

Here's the way I see it:  if you are going to act like a fucking classless, annoying, unpleasant, insufferable, twat jockey then all is fair game - your weight, your clothes, your mother (for not smacking you several times growing up), your hair (or rat's nest), etc.

So let's review:

Theater - its about the play - not you.

Obesity - makes an unpleasant person even more obnoxious

Stupidity - keep your mouth shut or remove all doubt

Uzbekistan - a REAL country!



  1. Steve, I agree. Her being fat just added fuel to the fire. Fat people instantly annoy me. I guess that's why over 50% of the population annoys me! I am fat prejudice and I will admit it. That being said, I'm headed to the gym...
    Good piece!