Saturday, February 2, 2013
Will Work For Money
Anyone who read my last post knows that I recently extricated myself from owning a restaurant. And now I'm faced with the prospect of not only finding a job, but figuring out what the hell I want to do. Even though there are many restaurant jobs out there that I'm certainly qualified for, I can't be in the restaurant business anymore. At least not until I don't hate all my customers and stop thinking they're fat wastes of oxygen. So let the job hunt begin! (insert that trumpety thing they use to start fox hunts here.... although I'm opposed to fox hunts and don't want to encourage such activity. How about "insert cool guitar lick a la Bill & Ted here"...yeah...that's the stuff....).
BUT I'M AFRAID OF MONSTERS
CareerBuilder, Monster, Indeed, FindAJob, Craigslist...sooooo many websites ready to help. This is so much better than back in the day having to go through the classified section in the newspaper. Or back even further, being awoken by the town crier spouting off all the positions available at the castle: Head Crown Polisher, Wench Wrangler, or Dungeon Sanitation Engineer. Or really old school, being dragged out of your hut and told to lug that 2,000 lb block up that ramp cause pharaoh has to compensate for his small penis.
I spent the better part of a day signing up and registering on all these jobs sites, entering all my pertinent info and defining my search parameters so my inbox would be filled each day with new and exciting career opportunities. Oh wait. What's that? Upload my resume so employers CAN FIND ME? Well, sheah! I LOVE the idea of someone pursuing me and my extensive skill set. Although, the last time I updated my resume was in 1997. So first things first.
Guess I should do the most recent jobs first:
Restaurant Owner. Chef. Sous Chef. Line Cook. Restaurant Manager. Restaurant Assistant Manager. Bar Manager.
Then before that was...wow, it's been a long time...I know Ross and Rachel hadn't hooked up yet...oh yeah:
Before that? Well, there was that thing in college...but I think the court suppressed all the photos.... Let's skip that and put:
Bartender. Head Server. Server. Dishwasher.
There. My adult job history. Not a lot of variety but it's certainly consistent. Employers like that right?
Bachelor of Arts, Psychology with a Minor in Religious Studies
I know...impressive isn't it?
I wish I had more friends with credentials after their name, like ESQ, PHD...shit like that. But they NEVER check references anyway! And while I'm on that topic, why aren't I, having earned my Bachelor of Arts degree, allowed to put BA after my name? Who decided the delineation for that starts with Masters degrees? And don't get me started on the mother fuckers who went to some boot camp in New Mexico to become a "certified something or other" and put endless letters after their name. MSCP my ass Mr Microsoft Certified Professional! Oooo look at me I have a job and initials after my name. Yeah, we're all so impressed. Loser.
Somehow I don't think "Amateur Blogger" and "Professional Religion Hater" will get me far here. Leave that blank.
Well, to find a job. Duh! Wait that can't be right. Let's see what other people put here.
"Obtain a position at XYZ Company where I can maximize my management skills, quality assurance, program development, and training experience."
Whoa! Ok, this is serious. Obviously need to be somewhat creative with the language here.
"To utilize my 20 years of restaurant experience to get a job having nothing to do with restaurants."
Resume done and uploaded.
HELLO, HAYSTACK. WE MEET AGAIN.
Down to the nitty gritty. Let's see what's out there.
Client Management Specialist
Business Enablement Reporting Analyst
Unsecured Collections and Recovery Resource Planning Analyst
US IS Senior Director, Client Engagement, Commercial Insight
Ok, that's a joke, right? Those aren't real jobs! I'm on the prank job site, aren't I? Or no, its some kind of text-based Rorschach test of bullshit to see if I'm paying attention, right? Well, how do I apply for a job if I don't even understand the title?
Let's keep looking.
Literally 70% of the jobs listed are some kind of sales. What the fuck are all these companies selling and do we need any of it?? I'm guessing "No!".
Allright, keep looking.
Customer Retention Specialist.
Direct Consumer Acquisitions Counselor.
All euphemisms for "answering the phone when angry customers call about your lousy company or calling them to collect money". FUCK YOU.
See?? Credentials! I need to get me some of those!
How about finance?
Financial Analyst II
Senior Clinical Analyst III
Private Bank Tax Operations Associate II
Mortgage Retail Specialist III
Loan Administration Manager IV
I didn't see the first one so I doubt I'll be able to follow the sequels.
Licensed Forklift Operator
Licensed MRI Technician
Licensed CDL Driver (maybe I should have paid more attention to those "Drive the Big Rig" ads during Gomer Pyle re-runs...)
Licensed Chief Hydrological and Hydrodynamical engineer
Wish I had held on to my Federal Boob Inspector license. DAMN YOU WIF!
What else? Computers! I'm good at computers!
SQL Software Engineer
Java J2EE Applications Developer
MS Dynamics Senior Systems Engineer
Where are all the jobs where people need kick ass Excel spreadsheets? And what the fuck does SQL stand for?
C'mon there's got to be SOMETHING!
Yeah! Like I'm going to risk my life to protect your stupid shit! HA!
High-End Security Guard
Yeah! Like I'm going to risk my life to protect your FANCY stupid shit! HA! HA!
Lawn Care Specialist
I did that job when I was 22 and I think the chemicals made one of my nuts shrink.
All right...just for shits and giggles lets look at the food service jobs listed.
Counter Staff Shift Leader - 6am - 2pm translate - schleping coffee at Denny's.
Food Service Director - Hospital Food Division - Hmmmm... liquid diets and jello...no thanks!
Restaurant Manager - "If you can think outside the bun, this position..." Taco Bell. TACO BELL?!?! I would rather scrub under the folds of skin of the one sumo wrestler that the other sumo's call FAT ASS!
General Manager - Chipotle
Kitchen Manager - Chipotle
Service Team Member - Chipotle - did they just fire everyone or what?
General Manager - 9am-5pm M-F. Wow. That looks interesting. Let's click on the link. Wait. What's this? XYZ Recruiters. Sign up now and we'll find the perfect job for you. For a one time fee..." WHAT?? YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY YOU TO FIND ME A JOB. IF I COULD AFFORD THAT I WOULDN'T NEED THE FUCKIN JOB ASSHAT!
So...that's it? That's all that's out there?
Maybe I'll get some responses to my resume...
MY SPAM FILTER BLOWS
Ah. Jennifer from Monster.com has sent me a job she thinks would be perfect for me. Well I must say that is some kind of service!
"Online Writer and Blogger - Hubpages"
Really? You can get paid to blog? I didn't know that! $1,000 a month! WOW! Why doesn't everyone do this?? I'm going to look into that later for sure!
Got an email from someone who saw my resume on CareerBuilder and wants me to contact them.
"Dear Steve, Through a targeted search I received your online resume and have a sales position available on our team that I think would be perfect for you. Please click here to start the application process. Sincerely, Brenda Johnson, IGR Insurance Company."
Hmmm. Sounds fishy. Although it IS addressed directly to me. And they've conveniently given me a link to click on to apply so they must really want me. I know there are a lot of scams out there looking to take advantage of us buy attempting to fool us with phony emails, but what kind of low life douche canoe would do that to someone out of work and looking for a job. Not even the lowest form of life or Rick Santorum would do that!
Let's click on it....
(Five days later...)
Sorry...I somehow got a virus on my computer that erased everything, stole all my passwords, emptied my bank account and sold my kids to the gypsies. Happy to say I'm back up and running though! And as soon as I finish going through the rest of these emails about my online resume I'll start looking for those gypsies and get the kids back. Although they'll probably want money and with me out of work...
Where was that dishwashing job again....?
(will provide job search updates and general job searching pithy comments as needed)