Rants and raves with a healthy dose of sarcasm and satire. Should be taken with red wine.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

It's Cool To Hate

It's cool to hate
My wife, because she's a much better person than I, doesn't like to hate anything.  She's very spiritual (as you can tell from her blog) and has lately found a lot of positivism in the universe (positivism?).  And I respect her for that.  I, however, feel that a good, healthy hate is beneficial.  I mean, where the hell would "love" be without "hate"?  All alone.  By itself. Off making the world a better place... a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie if you will.

Plus (much like smoking) people who hate stuff are cool!  Who would you rather hang out with?  Person A: a brooding, dark, pseudo-intellectual wearing black clothes and Doc Martens, listening to alt rock with no discernible melody, wisps of Marlboro smoke lingering about them, explaining to everyone why everything sucks, is uncool, and stupid.  Or Person B: cheery, smiling, kind, helpful, smart but not showy about it, Gap blue jeans, pastel colored crew neck t-shirt, Chuck Taylor's for that bit of whimsy, and Vitamin Water in hand.  Person A of course!  They're so much more interesting!

So...some stuff I hate.  Let me get my Vitamin Water...

I hate Coldplay/Chris Martin.  There has NEVER been in the history of music a bigger bunch of tool bags than Coldplay, especially Chris Martin.  I would rather sit through a Wiggles marathon than listen to one fucking Coldplay song.  If somebody said to me, "Give me your right hand and Coldplay will disappear from the universe, well then call me "Lefty"!  And he's married to Gwyneth Paltrow - another pretentious fop.  Ugh.  I cannot imagine having to sit through a dinner party at the same table as them and little Apple and Moses (really? "Apple" and "Moses"?  Fuck you!)  Plus, "You know how I know you're gay?  You like Coldplay". (ok, ok.... not the most enlightened line ever uttered, but I couldn't help it. That's how much I hate Coldplay!).

I hate that you can sue anyone for anything at anytime.

I hate people who give their kids "creative" names (APPLE! MOSES!).  Celebrities are the worst offenders: Kal-El (yes, Superman's father), Sage Moonblood, Moon Unit/Diva Thin Muffin/Dweezil (I love ya Frank, but c'mon!), Tu (last name Morrow....no, seriously....), Jermajesty, Moxie Crimefighter.  But regular people are equal offenders: Cypher, Atta, Benjerman, Life, Stoney, Moo, Dierra, Peniel.... further proof that we should require licenses to breed.

I hate cleaning the bathroom.  I mean....ewwwww.

I hate foodies.  A post unto itself.

I hate NASCAR.  "Wow, did you see how he went around the track THAT time!"

I hate lip synching.  Sing or don't sing.  And most of the time if you are lip synching we probably don't want to hear you actually sing.

I hate that the History Channel doesn't show anything about history anymore!  It's bad reality shows like "Big Rig Bounty Hunters", "Pawn Stars", and the American version of "Top Gear" (fucking PLEASE!!!).  They feature a show with fucked up rantings from this douche canoe:

Douche Canoe

"The end of the world DID occur on 12/21/12... the government just covered it up".

I hate baseball, basketball, and American Football.  There.  I said it.

I hate the obsession with fashion, a la the Oscar Red Carpet fiasco.  "Who are you wearing?"  "I'm wearing a dress that I'll never wear again and could feed a family of four for a year.  Does my side boob look ok cause I want to be taken seriously?"  Worse are the assholes who make a career of tearing celebrities apart for their wardrobe.  Celebrity has its perks but I can't imagine it doesn't hurt a bit when your on the cover of "Worst Dressed" magazine.

I hate the person in line at checkout who pays by check.  It's 2013 grandma!  Get a debit card!

I hate broccoli.

I hate board games.  Except Risk.  No one will play with me though....

I hate contrived pop music.  That includes every talent-less Tiffany/Brittney/Miley/Kesha (I REFUSE to use the dollar sign!) there has ever been.  They make millions while actual songwriters wander in obscurity.  And that's OUR fault.

I hate when my tv shows are delayed because of football.  I mean this happens EVERY WEEK!  Start the fucking game a half hour sooner!

I hate when movies use American actors for British roles, I don't care how good their cockney accent is.

I hate religion.  Duh!

I hate that I feel I need to take my phone with me everywhere.  Which creates something else I hate...

I hate that anyone can get in touch with me at any time.  I don't want to respond to your Facebook post about how cute your cat is right now!  While we're at it...

I hate Facebook.

I hate Halloween.  I'm not much for dressing up and not a big fan of horror.  Once I went to a Halloween party and for my costume I attached sponges all over my body.  I was "Self-Absorbed".  I thought it was hilarious but no one got it.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, thought I was "Sponge Worthy".  Stupid Seinfeld.

I hate parents who enter their kids in beauty pageants.  Just get the therapist and lawyer on retainer now.  Oh, any you may want to invest in a stripper pole.  Never too soon.

I hate hair extensions.

I hate empty bottles of wine.

I hate fake boobs.  I also hate real boobs...like Rick Santorum.

I hate the way Italians play soccer.  They should all really be on the Italian Olympic Diving Team....

I hate that I never dated Diane Lane.
Diane Lane

I hate the mall.

I hate those little inflammations you get on your tongue sometimes.  Like one of your taste buds is inflamed.

I hate the ads that interrupt my Pandora listening (hey, I'm too poor to fork out the $3.99/mo.  Fuck you!)

I hate when the cat sneezes in my face.  Feel like I need a rabies shot.

I hate greeting cards.  I mean how long are you supposed to keep the Valentine's Day card from Aunt Martha before trashing it?  Waste of trees!

I hate Delaware.

I hate that the vampire craze didn't end with "Interview With The Vampire".  The book not the movie.

I hate people who yap on their phones while driving.

I hate people who live off the government without making any attempt to get off assistance.

I hate seeing obese people eat pizza.

I hate bad manners.  Hold the door for the person behind you.  Let the person with one item go ahead of you at checkout.  Say "Please" and "Thank You".  Smile and say "Good Morning" when someone else says it to you...even if you're in a bad mood.  Say "Excuse Me"!  And I want my fucking "Thank-You-Wave" when I let you merge into my lane in front of me!

I hate pants around your ass.  Even if its a nice ass.

I hate people who walk around with those stupid fucking bluetooth ear things and have phone conversations at the top of their lungs.  Yeah, we're all so impressed.  You must be sooooo important to HAVE to be on the phone in the grocery store.  Twat wad.

I hate people who think the rules don't apply to them.

I hate that I have to walk my kids to school because I'm afraid they'll get abducted.

I hate experimental theater.

I hate microwaves.  They never heat evenly!

I hate when they put that tiny screw to open the battery compartment.

I hate golf.

I hate hipsters.

I hate beets.

I hate when geeks have stupid, pointless arguments about who was the best Star Trek captain.  I mean please!  Everyone knows it was Jean-Luc Picard!  Jeez!

And most of all.... I hate writing a blog for no audience!  C'mon people!  Share these golden bits of wisdom!  Help a brother out!



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